If you are anything like me, you have been confused and anxious the last few weeks about things like terrorism, immigration, refugees, and executive orders. Information is flying in every direction. There are a lot of facts (both real and alternative) and profound feelings to be shared. Are we safe? But more importantly, do we feel safe? How do we know? How do we feel about what we think we might know?
Our nation’s safety is of paramount concern, to be sure. The actions of the new Trump Administration have been far-reaching and quick moving…addressing issues that range from building walls to banning refugees. These actions, according to our new administration, have been put in place and suggested in order to help us feel more safe, and to reduce the serious and deadly threats that face our great nation today. According to President Trump, the most pressing threat facing our country is: Radical Islamic Terrorism.
Just reading that phrase should be enough to send shivers down your spine! I know my spine is shivering. Are terrorist about to attack us? Well, I wanted to know more about this serious threat, so I decided to look at some of the facts and statistics. What I found shocked me to my core, and has literally kept me up night, after night, after sleepless night.
The Real Enemy: They might already be in your home.
Unfortunately for our great country, the real threat has been overlooked. I feel that in order to make our country truly great again, we have to speak the truth and address the terroristic reign of a group of people who are slaughtering our fellow citizens. The threat that I speak of, is of course: The American Toddler. Or, as I now refer to them: The Terror Tots!
Yes, that’s right: Toddlers are armed and dangerous, and freely roaming homes, backyards, and daycare facilities in our precious, precious land. Don’t let their cuteness distract you! THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT! If you turn your back, they WILL shoot you. If you don’t turn you back on them, they will shoot you in the face. It’s really a lose-lose. If we ignore them further, their terror will spread. We must call terrorism out when we see it. It is patriotic and presidential to do so.
This realization of facts is especially painful for me personally, because I know toddlers. I must admit…I even have one in my house. Having discovered the terrorism he is capable of, I now equally love AND fear him. I submit to you, based on statistics, that we should be referring to this segment of our population not as “The Terrible Twos”, but, “The Terrorist Twos.”
Terror Tots are here in our country, they are in your neighborhoods, and they are deadly.
As you can see from the map above, toddlers are shooting our citizens across our great country, from sea to shining sea. They do not discriminate…Red State or Blue State, they will kill you dead. There is no remorse, just homegrown American Carnage. This is truly terrifying.
Statistically speaking, on average, over the last 10 years you are 950% more likely to be killed by at toddler in the USA than you are a foreign terrorist (21 v. 2 deaths per year, http://www.snopes.com/toddlers-killed-americans-terrorists). I don’t want to scare you further, but in the interest of honesty and national security, there are other DEADLY threats that face our nation as well. Here are some truly “pee-your-pants-scary” stats about OTHER things that are more likely to kill you than those despicable terrorists:
- Far-Right Wing Domestic Terrorists: 150% more likely to kill you.
- Lawnmowers: 3,350% more likely to shred you into little pieces, and then kill you.
- http://wonder.cdc.gov/ (69 per yr.)
- Lightning: 1,450% more likely to zap you to death and kill you dead.
- Buses: 13,100% more likely to pancake you to death…and kill you.
- http://wonder.cdc.gov/ (264 per yr.)
- Falling out of your own bed: 36,750% more likely to kill you in new and unthinkable ways.
- http://wonder.cdc.gov/ (737 per yr.)
I’ll give you a minute to go lock your doors, blow up your lawnmower, go to the basement to hide from lightning, slash all the tires on all buses, and set your bed ablaze in the back yard. Done? Make sure to utterly destroy that lawnmower…but from a safe distance. I recommend using an assault weapon…you know…to be safe, and because it is your God-given American right to do so!
Enough of this Sidetracking Foolishness: How do we solve this problem?
So let’s get back to the issue at hand. How do we prevent further attacks from these terrorist toddlers? Well, like many things in life, the issue is not as simple as it may seem.
I suppose one could suggest that we stop arming these young children with guns and weapons. This, of course, is a stupid suggestion. Really, anyone suggesting this should be shot! We all know that it is Un-American to take guns away from toddlers. COME ON! They have the RIGHT to keep and bear arms! Besides, if we take guns away from toddlers, who is going to protect us from foreign-born terrorists and refugees? Think about it! If we start taking guns away from our children, what’s next? Slippery slope! Check & Mate, my dumb liberal snowflake friend!
As any non-stupid person knows, gun control is never the answer. We ALL know that guns don’t kill people…Foreign Islamic Terrorists kill people. So naturally, and obviously, this suggestion is asinine.
So since we obviously are not going to stop letting children have guns, we need to find alternative methods of saving our nation from the Terror Tots. I don’t think we can really ban them…since they are already here, are cuddly, cute, and we love them. Plus, I am sure there are some “legal” reasons why we can’t just ship them out of our fantastic country. So, I think that leaves us with only two real, solid, realistic, American-values-oriented options.
1. Pray
Yes, we can really only pray. Pray that our children, armed to the teeth, will spare our lives, let us live, and will get distracted by our offerings of snack pouches, twice weekly bubble baths, and daily viewings of Super Why, Doc McStuffins, Little Einsteins, and of course, Caillou. Wait, uh…maybe not Caillou…that show will probably drive them to kill more. That little bald Canadian is a bloodthirsty foreign terrorist, beamed into our televisions from the Great White North as a form of psychological warfare and punishment. Plus, he is whiny.
But nevertheless, pray fervently that our American toddlers will choose to defend us, instead of kill us.
2. Build the Wall(s)
Since we cannot ban or deport our own toddlers (I don’t think), we need to follow the foolproof example of our Commander-in-chief and start throwing up walls IMMEDIATELY.
I am not talking about baby gates and play fences. No. I am talking about a WALL, made out of American Steel and Concrete. Walls everywhere…don’t care where, just build them. Build them to keep the children out…and…uh…in?
You may say, “But won’t that be expensive?” I would answer: Oh yeah! It will take craploads of money! But…can you put a price tag on not being killed by your own homegrown terrorist child? The answer is no; you cannot. Avoid carnage at all costs, I always say. You can’t put a price on happiness, and nothing would make me more happy than not getting shot by a toddler.
Besides, there is an obvious answer to the problem of funding: We will make Canada pay for the walls. Canada will pay for the walls, trust me, they will. That pretty boy Trudeau will pay for the all the walls as restitution for inflicting the scourge known as Caillou on our innocent country. It is LITERALLY the least they can do. Canada will pay, walls will be built, and toddlers will be kept at bay.
In Closing:
We can all agree, we love our children, but we also fear them. This is right, necessary, and healthy. Let us pray, and let us feverishly build walls. We know we are much safer behind walls. Let us make sure to close off our minds, as we board up our homes. The threats of global terrorism are no doubt real, and we should definitely ignore reason, facts, and statistics and instead commit ALL of our time and FEAR to the issue of “preventing” terror attacks. But to ignore the terror that a short time ago burst forth from our American loins and wombs is a grave and dire sin as well. Together, with some well placed American Steel, and constant prayer, we can all make America Safe, and Great Again.
REMEMBER:
Pray. Canada will pay. The Walls will keep the Terror Tots at bay.
Have a nice day.
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